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Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
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(1)Badump… Badump… Badump…
(2)The sound of a train pulling away from the station rang in my ears. ‘The subway train will come any minute.’ I thought to myself. Listening to the rattling sound, I sat despondently on a bench in a desolate subway station.
Three years ago, when I was in 9thgrade, I applied to Daewon Foreign High School, the best foreign high (3)school in Korea, but failed to pass the entrance exam. (4)I became spiritless after my journey of 16 years had resulted in my failure to achieve my greatest goal at the time. (5)From that failure, I was totally changed. (6)Instead of studying and preparing for my future, I poured myself into fashion, collecting beautiful and fancy apparel. (7)But after a few months of buying and selling items online, I had an epiphany.
(8)It was just a common winter day. I lied to my mother, (9)telling her that I was going to meet an English teacher (10)to help me prepare for the next day's TOEFL exam. In reality, I was going to trade clothes with an online acquaintance. I took an unfamiliar subway line to meet my acquaintance at a faraway (11)meeting spot and finally obtained my precious and highly anticipated vintage jeans. (12)Having re-entered the subway station after the trade, I threw myself on a rusty green bench and, with my eyes closed, took a deep breath. I waited to hear the arrival of the next train, (13)but heard nothing for over 10 minutes. (14)Remembering that this subway line was notorious for its (15)unfixed timetable, (16)I sank lower on the bench and glanced at the extremely dark ends of the tunnel. I could hear and see nothing. (17)Then, after checking the time, I opened my backpack to put in my cherished vintage jeans, but, in the process, found my TOEFL books instead. (18)I suddenly remembered that (19)I was scheduled to take the TOEFL the next day. (20)Finally understanding the importance of time, I became light-headed, and the station seemed to reel before my eyes. (21)After a moment I regained my full composure that of mine before my great failure and started to think over what I had done. I realized how much time I had already wasted in my life and began to sob. Trying to restrain my tears, I made up my mind (22)to never escape from reality and face any challenge, especially any failure or hardship, (23)for the rest of my life. I implored myself to cherish my life and never let time slip away.
(24)As I opened my eyes again, thus releasing myself from the dark and seemingly long abyss of my misery, I could hear harsh sounds from the end of the subway tunnel and finally saw a pair of headlights rushing toward me at super-high speed. As the headlights came closer, the train stopped, sending a strong gust of wind in my direction and blowing off the evil aura around me. The day was a rebirth for my future and a burial for my past. (25)From that day, I recall the tears in the subway station whenever my resolution is weakened and, of course, I have been able to control and even conquer my mind (26)to not make any silly mistakes again. Even though failure is still painful, I (27)don't care about prospective hardships, because I am more mature and stronger than before. This precious experience will bolster me, whatever the situation.
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→school in Korea. Unfortunately, I failed to pass the entrance exam.4→My Failure to achieve what at age sixteen was my greatest goal made my spirits flag.
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→That failure totally changed me.6???? ????? ??
→I poured myself into fashion, collecting beautiful and fancy apparel instead of studying and preparing for my future. 7And, or, but? ?? ?????? ???? ??? ?? ??? ????.
→After a few months8?? ?? ??? ???? ??? ?? ??? ???? ?? ???????.
→One ordinary winter day, I lied to my mother.
9????? ??? ??? ???? ?????.
→I told her10to ????? ??????? ?????.
→who would11→meeting spot, where I finally obtained my 12→After the trade, I returned to the subway station and sat down on a rusty green bench; I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.13→but I heard nothing14??? ???? ?? ? ? ??? ?? ????? ??? ??? ????. ? ?? ???? ?????.
→I remembered15???? ??? ??????.
→unreliable schedule
16???? ????? ?????.
→unreliable schedule; I sank...17???? ???? ?? ???? ??? ??? ????.
→I checked the time and opened my backpack to put in my cherished jeans. Instead, I found my TOEFL books. 18? ?? ‘Suddenly’? ?? ??? ???? ???? ???? ?? ???????.
→Suddenly, I remembered19???? ??? ??????.
→I had to take20????? ???? ?? ?? ??? ?????.21???? ???? ?? ??? ??????.
→After I had regained my composure,...
22not? never? to ??? ?? ?? ?? ????.
→never to escape23??? ?? ??? ?? ??? ??? ??? ?? ????.
→from that moment on24??? ??? ?? ?? ???? ???? ???? ????. ?? ? ?? ???? ??? ???? ?? ????. 25→since26→not to make27?????? ???? ?? ?? ?? ?????.
→do not
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General Comments(??)
You obviously have the ability to write an essay. Your organization of ideas and their development is effective in supporting your main idea.
You have a tendency to begin your sentences using participial phrases unnecessarily. Remember to use these phrases when necessary to modify a noun. There is a world of difference between “Trying to restrain my tears, I..." and "...having reentered the subway station, I...”
Another thing to remember when writing is that you do not want to be overly dramatic in your use of imagery. While it may be tempting to include scenes that try to reflect your moods this, if not done well, not only weakens your arguments but also trivializes them. In the future avoid flowery speech.
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??? ???? ????? ?? ??? ???? ??? ????. ?? ??? ??? ??? ??? ?? ?? ???? ??? ?? ?????. “Trying to restrain my tears, I...” ? “...having reentered the subway station, I...”?? ?? ? ??? ?? ?? ??? ???.
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Discuss some issue of personal, local, national, or international concern and its importance to you.
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